The Father Eclipse
Growing up, all I ever wanted to be was a husband and a father. That was my dream. It wasn’t to be an astronaut, or a doctor or a Major League Baseball player. I just wanted to be a good hubby that doted on his wife, and a fun dad. That was my dream.
I remember holding our first-born, Wesley, and feeling such an overwhelming desire for him to know and see the Father because I felt like I could ruin his experience of how awesome our God is. Every thought, every action I had as I parented my four kids, there was this filter in my head wondering if I was doing it right.
There’s a song that I still carry to this day on my playlist by Philips, Craig and Dean called, “I Want to Be Just Like You.” Take a listen:
Psychologists, both Christian and secular, will tell you the most formative years for a child is from birth to 12 years old. Our view of how we see the world, and how we feel about ourselves, is shaped by the family in which we grew up.
A father’s influence in his child’s life is critical to their view of the God the Father.
Much like the moon blocks the sun in an eclipse, our fathers block how we see and experience THE Father as He really is. Why is that?
We look for our approval from our fathers. We want to be told we are enough. All kids do. If we don’t get that approval, we can spend a lifetime in emotional turmoil without even knowing it, seeking after it and never receiving it. Many men deny their emotions about their experiences with their fathers and pretend it’s not there. It can be a very scary path to uncover “father hurt” in our hearts. It takes enormous emotional courage to process our pain from childhood. It’s much easier to throw a dungeon-sized padlock on our heart and never talk about it. This unresolved pain, though, impacts our marriage, our kids and eventually our grandkids for generations to come.
I experienced my own “father eclipse” 6 years ago. I know a lot about God, what the Bible says about who He is, His grace, and His forgiveness. I have a Masters of Divinity stuck between my ears. Unfortunately, this is all head knowledge. God wants relationship with His creation. He desires our hearts, not correct answers to Bible verses, or to make sure we are behaving right. Whenever I coped with my unknown internal pain with unhealthy choices, I pictured God standing there disappointed in me with his arms folded and saying, “When are you going to get it right, Steve?”
In essence, it took 54 years for me to wipe the face of my father off the face of God.
That’s not who the Father is to me today. It’s taken a lot of hard “heart-work” and internal awareness to remove my “father eclipse” and feel the deep and abiding love of my Abba Father! He delights in you and me. He looks down and says, “That’s my boy! My Beloved Son, Steve!” (Matt. 3:17). Since we have Jesus Christ residing inside us, the Father sees us as BELOVED SONS and Daughters! The problem is . . .
We don’t believe it! We don’t live out of our true identity because the Evil One roams the earth seeking who he may devour, whispering lies from our childhood. He uses our experiences and perceptions of our earthly father to belittle, discourage, and beat us down, and we believe the lies! Do you know why we believe the lies?
In isolation, a man or woman can think anything they want without being confused by reality, and believe it to be true.
As hard as we try as fathers to parent and reflect Christ in every way to our kids and raise them “right,” we are not perfect. I love this quote from John Eldridge, author of the best-seller, Wild at Heart. John says, “Every man carries a wound. I have never met a man without one. No matter how good your life may have seemed to you, you live in a broken world full of broken people.” “Boys look to their dad or key men in their lives to learn who they are as men.”
So true. Even the best fathers get in the way of our kid’s view of God. We all do. It’s inevitable. But hear me clearly on this: This is not an exercise in blaming Dad . . . or Mom. He wasn’t fathered well either, nor was his dad, an so on. It’s about becoming aware of your upbringing and what went on in your family of origin and the role of your father. When you look at him as another broken man who doesn’t know what he doesn’t know and is only living out of his own unknown pain - you begin to understand why you see life the way you do, and why your worldview of God, yourself, and others is tainted.
The question becomes . . .
What are you going to do about it?
Left unaddressed, we will continue to fracture all our relationships and put it all on the other person.
Or, we can find the emotional courage and dig in to our inner man and do some good heart-work. I will tell you this: It’s worth the journey. Finding freedom to be who you are without anything to fear, hide or prove, is what the Father intends for all of us.
This Father’s Day give yourself the gift of coming out of hiding and embrace the identity the Father has set before you. Need some suggestions to get there? Here are a few:
Check out my Top Ten List of Resources the Father used to speak to me and get started.
Schedule a 1:1 mentoring meeting and let’s spend some time unpacking your story.
Find a good Christian counselor and make a commitment to examine your heart and your father wound so you can begin to heal and live a life of wholeness, for yourself and your kids.
Email me at: talk@bringingkingdom.org with any questions you have. I’m here for you.
Here is my prayer for you this Father’s Day. Close your eyes and imagine your Daddy, your Abba, saying these words over you. Then pass the blessing forward to the next generation.
