The Antidote for Fractured Relationships
When I was young, all I ever wanted to be was a husband and a dad. My favorite TV show growing up was “The Brady Bunch.” Remember that one? “The Brady Bunch . . . the Brady Bunch, that’s the way we became the Brady Bunch!” Okay - now that that tune is stuck in our heads all day, where was I going with this?
Did you ever notice that whenever there was conflict between anyone, they always made up at the end of the show? Whether Bobby was fighting with Cindy, or Greg and Marcia were battling it out, they always made up.
Fast forward to my life. I grow up and get married. We have four awesome kids, and all I have to do is remember how Mike Brady did it, and our family would live happily ever after, right? Isn’t that the narrative and expectation we all have in our heads? If we’re honest with ourselves, we want life to be controlled without any pain and fractured relationships. But guess what?
We are human and fear runs rampant in our hearts, and if we can control the outcome, we can manage the uncomfortable feelings going on inside us.
Can you relate?
Being one who thought it was best to make sure my children always did things right, I have had more than my share of fractured relationships with my four kids. I can’t tell you how many nights, when I kissed them goodnight, that I apologized to them for how I had responded earlier in the day. I meant well and they knew that, but it came out wrong. They gave me grace. Every. Single. Time. Even when I didn’t deserve it.
Fractured relationships also happen with our aging parents, friends, neighbors and co-workers. Here’s why:
We want to be right.
“My perception is right, doggone it, and I’m going to prove it to you!” Ever had that thought before? Maybe not consciously, but if we stop and think, it’s buried in our heart somewhere.
Let me ask you this:
How’s that working for you?
Probably not well, I would think. How do we maintain healthy relationships when we are fighting to get our view, opinion, or point across? It comes down to two choices:
You can be right
You can be in relationship
In the heat of the moment, during an emotional conversation, we need to take a pause and check our spirit. Is there anxiety? Worry? Fear? Anger? There’s a good chance it’s one of these. Here’s what we need to do:
Choose Love - command #2 of 2 that Jesus gave us (Matthew 22:39). Paul puts it this way:
“Be free from pride-filled opinions, for they will only harm your cherished unity.
Don’t allow self-promotion to hide in your hearts, but in authentic humility put
others first and view others as more important than yourselves.”
- Philippians 2:3 TPT
I’ll be the first one to admit that I’m not always thinking to act in Love when my emotions are going 100 mph. I’m not saying this is easy. I want to prove I’m right and I will defend and explain my position till I have my opponent pinned to the ground or backed into the corner.
But is the goal to win the argument or conversation?
No. You will end up with a fractured relationship. You will also be lonely. No friends. No family calling you. Is that what you really want? None of us do. It’s a hard habit to break. Satan, once again, is laughing at how he has used shame to break up family relationships. That’s what he does.
The key is to pause - then respond in Love. How do we do that? Again, Paul has the answer for us:
“Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently
kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone
else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own
importance. Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly
seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense.
Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong.
Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for
others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up.”
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 TPT
When we choose option 1 (being right), we end up fracturing relationship. When we can stop and keep our mouths shut and make the intentional decision to let it go, we take a giant step towards growing emotionally. When, not if, things go south, we want our kids coming to us because we have relationship with them. Or our friends. Or our parents. Or our neighbor.
Here’s the key thought: Let them figure it out on their own. They will get there. We are all experiential learners. We have to crash ourselves to feel the hurt and pain and learn. It’s hard to watch loved ones do something you disagree with.
Bite your tongue.
Choose relationship over being right.
You got this.
