Holidays: Flipping the Script on Stress and Triggers to Calm and Peace
The holidays can often bring stress and anxiety just by thinking about gathering with your extended family. Making jokes about it might temporarily relieve the tension, but the reality of facing parents or siblings leaves us with yet another season of emotional pain to navigate.
Let me ask you this:
Are you willing to “flip the script” and change “how you do you” for the holidays with the family? It is possible to manage your stress and triggers with your family so that your heart can experience calm and peace. It will take some work, and it’s worth it. Peace over stress and tension? Are you up for it?
Here’s the key. Memorize this when you feel your blood boil or you’re about to lose it.
It’s not about you.
You can only control your response
This is not going to be easy. Trust me. But do you really want to give power to others over you and be miserable? That’s what we do when we react and defend, explain and engage in negative conversations. We drive home ranting and spewing and making life miserable, again, for everyone close to us. It’s time to change the narrative and bring calm and peace to our inner selves. Are you up for it? Have you reached a point where the holidays bring too much dread and steal your joy?
Let’s get to it.
First - expect to be triggered at some point by something someone says or does. Rather than let it bother you and control your emotions, this is your first step:
Stop and pause without saying a word.
Ask yourself, “Do I really need to react to this conversation?”
Listen, don’t hear. Truly listen. Put others before your feelings and reaction. It’s hard, I know, especially when you’re triggered. Active listening is not about you, it’s about the other person. You put yourself in their shoes even when it’s about you and feels like an attack. Here are some validating responses you can use:
“Wow. That’s tough. I’m so sorry you’re feeling that way.”
“I can only imagine how hard that must be for you.”
“That’s a lot you’re carrying.”
“I can’t imagine how difficult that is for you.”
In humility, step back, take a deep breath and fight to be present without allowing your emotions to explode. When you begin to put others first and to serve and listen to others, even family that may “put you in a box” and not extend grace for the person you are now, you foster connectivity. You aren’t agreeing with them. You are disarming the conversation and giving grace. A heart of humility is key.
Be the bigger person.
What does it mean to “be the bigger person”? Be gentle, patient and loving.
Gentleness goes a long way in any conversation, relationship, or situation. Proverbs tells us it has the ability to turn away wrath (Proverbs 15:1). When we interact with a family member, we need to remember to act in grace, particularly in a tense moment. Being kind with someone when our instinct is to lash out or correct is gentleness in action. Choose to not fight to be right. Choose relationship. And always remember the saying, “Not my pig, not my farm.” We get our boxers and panties in a wad over things that are not ours. So why go down that road? When anger begins to brew in your heart and in the other person, diffuse the tension. Choose to turn the table by responding in kindness and gentleness.
Patience means being slow to anger and having wisdom to not be hasty. Choose to handle each moment with grace. Sounds so simple. It is not. Trust me, I know. I get it wrong more often than I get it right. I used to take everything people said about me personally as if what they were saying was right. t never went well and ended up causing so much insecurity and emotional energy. Why do we do that to ourselves? I had to learn, it’s someone else’s viewpoint or agenda and I don’t need to do anything with it. I just need to listen and not respond in anger or let it get to me. This took years of work and therapy but I am not at a point where I can just love the person in the space I meet them at and I don’t have to convince them of anything, prove anything, or be fearful and react. You can get there, too. It’s not about you. Be a duck. Let it roll off your back. It was never meant for you to carry.
Love is our greatest mandate. This ministry is based on Matthew 22:39. When we commit to love others - which includes domineering mothers, controlling fathers, etc. - to show them love, we are doing what Jesus called us to do. It’s not an afterthought. Love is our highest calling. It’s not easy to love others, especially family members who can push our buttons. Prepare your heart on your way to Thanksgiving dinner, or Christmas dinner, by having an attitude of humility and giving grace and acceptance to your family member.
Ephesians 4:2 captures it all perfectly. If you remember nothing else from this content, meditate on this truth:
“With tender humility and quiet patience, always demonstrate gentleness
and generous love toward one another, especially toward those who may
try your patience.” - TPT
Turn your triggers and stress and flip the script this holiday season and see what happens. Email me and let me know how it went at talk@bringingkingdom.org.
