Heart Memory
How’s your heart doing these days? Are you taking good care of it? I’m not talking about eating the right foods and getting exercise. I’m referring to how you are experiencing life and processing what’s going on inside your heart when a conversation with your spouse goes sideways, or anyone else for that matter. It takes repetition to know your heart well.
How do you develop some good heart memory? It’s similar to muscle memory.
Let’s look at sports as an example. Case in point. Golf. I can watch the pro’s on TV hit shot after shot and watch their balls land pretty much where they want them 90% of the time. However, when I go out and play I get a different result about 100% of the time. If I’m lucky to hit my ball square, it may go straight. Usually I top it, whiff at it, shank it or hook it. After a few holes I’m ready to give up and head back to the clubhouse.
Can you relate? I’m sure you can whether it’s golf, fishing, tennis, you name it - we don’t get better unless we do . . . what? Practice. The proverbial saying, “practice makes perfect” is always hanging over our head, but it’s true.
Professional athletes work on their techniques constantly. In fact, they get to a certain point and they don’t even think about their swing, or stroke at all. Why? Because they have committed it to muscle memory.
Webster’s says this about muscle memory:
mus·cle mem·o·ry
noun
the ability to reproduce a particular movement without conscious thought,
acquired as a result of frequent repetition of that movement.
I remember watching Tiger Woods head to the driving range after playing a round at the Masters. Who does that? MLB hitters are constantly working on their swings so that when they have to make a split-second decision to swing at a pitch, their muscle memory kicks in and they can connect.
The same can be said about our hearts. We can develop “heart memory” as well.
It works like this: Have you ever been triggered by something from the past and had absolutely no idea why you responded the way you did? Maybe it was to your wife, your kids, or even a stranger in the grocery store parking lot.
We all do. We react to things people say to us because there is hurt and some potential lies we believe about ourselves buried deep within our hearts. We all react differently to being hurt. Some people explode in anger. Others withdraw and get quiet. The end result is: the relationship is fractured. Stress enters in and we don’t know how to separate the pain in our hearts from what is happening in real time.
That’s where heart memory comes in. The key? Keeping your mouth closed when you are hurt. Just because you have a thought doesn’t mean you need to communicate it. Proverbs 17:27 says,
“Can you bridle your tongue when your heart is under pressure?
That’s how you show that you are wise. An understanding heart
keeps you cool, calm, and collected, no matter what you’re facing.”
People will say things that will hurt you. The question is: How are you going to handle it?
Stuff it? That only leads to resentment and bitterness.
React in anger and rage? That can get you arrested or at the very least, you end up with no friends, and maybe a broken marriage and family. Or - you can practice some “heart memory” and pause and ask yourself:
1. What am I feeling right now? For a list of feeling words, click here and then click on “soul words.”
2. Why am I feeling this way?
3. What does this remind me of? Or - When I have felt this way before?
4. Is this who I want to be in this moment?
The goal here is to separate the emotion you are feeling from the trigger of the past event and do a deep dive into why you’re feeling that way in this moment.
You see, our hearts feel everything whether we are aware of it or not. We aren’t aware of the root cause of most emotions, we are blind and reacting to our triggers. Feelings are like odometer lights going off. They surprise us. They tell us something is going on under the hood. Feelings aren’t truth. They feel like truth because they are real to us, but often they are poking at our wounds and telling us we aren’t enough, or we did it wrong, or any other host of lies that aren’t true.
When we can get in the habit of pausing before reacting, we are developing good “heart memory” and we stand a better chance of communicating more effectively.
Next time your feelings get poked, put Proverbs 17:27 into place. Then take a quiet moment to get out your phone and make a new Note and answer our 4 questions above. Just as the gym and a healthy workout will keep your muscles in shape, going through this process when your feelings get hit, will develop great awareness of your heart.
I’d love to get your feedback if this helps you. Send me an email at talk@bringingkingdom.org
