Being a Safe Person
On any given day we interact with drivers, customers, coworkers, family members - and we react to what’s going on above the surface. Every one of us, though, has a lot of different emotions going on beneath the surface. Many of us have just stuffed them down and are completely unaware of what’s going on inside and why we are reacting to everything. When we are stressed out, we react. Others then react to our reactions and soon conflict happens, walls go up, people shut down and on it goes.
Sound familiar?
What can we do? Here are three things that you can put into practice today to improve your relationships:
Listen
Validate
Affirm
Listening is not hearing and waiting for the other person to stop talking so you can tell them why they are wrong or what they need to do. Active listening is picking up on the words the other person is saying and repeating them back. Let’s make it easy. Imagine you’re in the fast food line at your favorite restaurant and your order a cheeseburger, large fry and a large Coke. What does the other person say to you after they take your order?
“So that’s a cheeseburger, large fry and a large Coke. Do I have that right?”
All the other person did was acknowledge what you said. You feel heard and you feel understood. That’s all anyone ever wants in a conversation that is full of emotion, and that is under the surface. Often times they may not even be aware of it until they start to process it. Be a safe person for someone to empty their emotional bucket.
Validating means we use empathy to put ourself in their shoes. Feel what the other person is going through even if you disagree. It’s not about who is right. It’s about seeing their side through their eyes and how they are interpreting the situation. Validating someone can be done without agreeing. You simply say, “I can imagine how that must feel. I’ve been through something similar.” Or, “That’s a lot going on and I’ve been overwhelmed like that before. I’m sorry you’re going through that.”
Once you have actively listened, provided some validation to how they must be feeling, the last step is to affirm the person. What does that look like? You begin by telling them who they are as a person. What are the qualities and traits you love about this person? The objective here is to show them hope and that there’s nothing wrong with them. Here are a few examples:
“I get it. I understand. This is a hard time right now, but you are a resilient person. People love you and you bring life to them.
“You are a trustworthy person and everyone respects you.”
Something along those lines. Be a sincere cheerleader.
