Rooted in Shame
I remember the day well. It was my first day of kindergarten. Parents and kids in our neighborhood gathered at the bus stop. My mom walked with me around the corner from our house and as we walked up, my heart started to beat faster. I was filled with anxiety not knowing what to expect. I had never ridden a bus before and I was only 5 years old. Nowadays parents take their 5 year-old’s to their first day of school. That wasn’t the case in 1966.
What happened next stayed with me for the next 50 years. I don’t recall what was said or how it happened, but some bully kid hauled off and slugged me in the stomach and I doubled over in tears - in front of everyone. My mom didn’t come to my rescue. She told me to “Stop crying!” and “Be a big boy!” There were no hugs, protection or scolding of the bully kid. I had to wipe my tears away and get on the bus to head to a place I had never been before.
For the first time in my young life I felt shame.
“There must be something wrong with me,” I thought. Another thought I had at this young age was, “I don’t have what it takes to be a student in school.” Years later this trauma would haunt me without me knowing it. I’d bump into it every now and then and shame would overwhelm me. I’d come to the conclusion that no matter how hard I strived or performed or achieved, I didn’t have what it takes to be a man, a husband, a father.
Where did shame originate?
You know the story. It all started with a piece of fruit that was forbidden to be eaten by the first couple from the tree of good and evil. Shame overwhelmed them and they hid from God and covered themselves (Genesis 3)
Shame catches us off guard. If we are unaware of it’s impact, like I was for 50-some years, it can cause you to do things you never thought you’d do. Why? Because shame tells me I’m a horrible person and I want to run and hide from whomever has caused the shame to rise up in me. We medicate our pain inside our heart with all sorts of false substitutes: Food, shopping, gaming, gambling, pills, drugs, alcohol, pornography and adulterous affairs to name a few. Only the love of the Father can fill the pain we are experiencing. All the addictive choices we make to fill our broken hearts never work. Shame ruins lives, breaks up marriages, and fractures families - FOR GENERATIONS!
How do you stop shame and it’s impact?
First, you must understand we are at war. Every minute of the day, every hour, the Evil One “prowls around like a roaring lion seeking who he may devour” (1 Peter 5:8). Shame is his primary weapon because he can keep you pinned down and take you out in a moment!
Second, you need to get to the root of your shame. It took me three months of intensive therapy to remove the power shame had over me from the story I told you at the bus stop when I was 5 years old. Fifty years later I became aware of my heart. I realized the power shame held over me because I allowed it. I didn’t know any better. None of us do.
Shame never goes away. I can always feel it. I know it’s there. But I am learning more everyday what to do with it. I verbalize it to someone who is safe and get it out of my heart and receive validation. Then I remind myself WHO I am and the good Jesus has done in my life. I also know it’s not how the Father sees me. He sees all of us as Beloved Sons and Daughters of the King!
Beloved: It’s time we recognize the authority we’ve been given and start sending shame back to hell where it belongs. You can do that!
Next time you get hit with shame - stop and pause. Write down why you’re feeling that way. Where is that voice coming from? What is the Truth about WHO you are? Soon you’ll begin to build a rhythm of being able to fight off shame and feel the freedom of being adopted into the royal, heavenly family of the King of kings!
Wholehearted living starts with knowing who the enemy is and reminding yourself of the Truth of your identity! If you’re struggling with that, we can help. Let’s set up a time to have a conversation. Click here.
Or email me at talk@bringingkingdom.org.
